I think I finally understand the concept of work never being finished. After writing out a script, I realised that parts of it continue the concepts only touched on in "Born, Never Asked" (a full length play for stage I wrote), and I finally realised that all those words I have been writing were meant to be spoken aloud. What I have been missing is the cathartic experience of performing; to create something intensely personal so that you and the audience share a powerful moment. I realised this after the Stacy Makishi workshop when I wrote a very intense piece that I almost didn't want to share, but I'm glad I did because I felt the mood just go. It lifted as soon as the piece had finished, and I experienced a true catharsis that was not forced or nervous.
I think the overwhelming statement I am making is the abscence of music, perhaps only with the sound of ticking (this is to be decided). This incorporates my wish to incorporate the use of silences, and placing more importance on the words. In a sense, I wish I had used this piece to be marked on "writing", but I am happy with the way ther script is fleshing out.
In content, it appears to be an analysis of an existential view of time; that it only exists as long as we are living in it, incorporated with the emptiness and loneliness of self exploration. Are events in our lives really happening? Or can everything be reduced to nothing? Is anything really happening? I think the text also ties in with the postmodernist view of it being the "end of history"; there are no more moments or big events anymore. Also, it talks about the future as a concept. This is not a new idea, but more the idea that every step we take, we step into the future, even though the future is not a place but a process. The concept of destiny assumes that the future is an "A to B" process, whereas free will would determine it is an unknown circumstance. That is not to say I agree with the latter, but it's certainly interesting to look at it that way, especially when we have phrases in common usage such as "It was his time" or "Must be fate".
I also really like the play on "nothing is happening", where I say "And I said to myself..." and I say nothing. Because nothing is happening I have nothing to say or think.
I have also made this piece intensely personal. I can see it's very dark and exposing, but to create that catharsis, I feel I need to gouge my feelings out to get the real truth and integrity of emotion that this piece needs. I have to also add that Stacey Makishi has given me the courage to do what Mem Morrison was trying to acheive; that intensely personal work that hopefully takes me and the audience on a journey.
Thinking about self in relation to Lacan, I think my mediatized self is my "mirrored" self; more narcissitic, unrealistic, while my stage self represents the Other. I was relating it back to previous performances and "Astariel" (which is my usual stagename under which I have performed music, and who I think I was trying to evoke in my last performance) is that mirrored self. A performative self who is much bigger than me; almost a superego. I think this piece concentrates on the middle ground of the "ego"; a relation between intense personal desires and thoughts and the inability to run away from the natural order of things.
I'm very much looking forward to rehearsing; I want to be extremely intense in this piece; to provide the discomfort of Kane and the emotional detatchment and analysis of Crimp.
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